Satire Trek

Zulfiqar Haiderali

The Bombom Mystery

Space — the final U.S. frontier. These are the voyages of Starship Underpriced. Its 50-minute mission: To exploit strange new worlds. To smoke out new life and remaining civilizations. To vainly show what no man has shown before.

Captain's Blog, Stardate 80486.386. Mr. Sock, Dr. Decoy and I have beamed down to the surface of planet Bombom on a special clandestine mission — to unearth a mysterious phenomenon.

Capt. Curt: ANALYSIS, Mr. Sock.

Mr. Sock: Fascinating, captain. The people of Bombom seem to have developed a strange malaise——

Capt. Curt: I KNOW that, Sock. I wanted a SCIENTIFIC explanation of this phenomenon!

Mr. Sock: That is illogical of you, captain, as I was beginning to explain that certain phenomenon only after I had finished my logical preamble.

Dr. Decoy: Cut the crap, Sock, and tell us what this damned phenomenon is, for God's sake!

Mr. Sock: Yes, doctor. But first I would like you to tell me a little about the eating habits of Bombomians.

Dr. Decoy: Dammit Dim, I'm a doctor, not a cook!

Capt. Curt: Quiet, you two! Mr. Sock, EXPLAIN to me this mysterious phenomenon now. And that's an ORDER!

Mr. Sock: Very well, captain. The explanation is fairly simple. The Bombomians are suffering from a rare disease which forces them to speak languages other than theirs.

Capt. Curt: What, Sock? You mean they can’t SPEAK their own language?!

Mr. Sock: They can, but they do not, captain.

Dr. Decoy: Dim, I've spotted a life form on my transistor. It's not very far from where we stand. It's... it's moving!

Mr. Sock: Your unrealistic astonishment is illogical, doctor, since ninety-five-point-three-four percent of known life forms move and——

Capt. Curt: Hurry, Cones, Sock, split up and FIND this life form!

Mr. Sock: Captain, may I suggest that instead of splitting up, we should look straight ahead. It is right over there.

Capt. Curt: What, Sock?? Gosh, you're RIGHT... I can see the life form, and... and... she's so BEAUTIFUL.

Mr. Sock: Peculiar, captain. Beauty, as humans describe it...

Dr. Decoy: Shut up, you heartless Walkman. Be careful, Dim. She might be armed.

Capt. Curt: This is Capt. Dames De Curt of USS Underpriced of the United Separation of Planets. We are here upon a distress CALL from Bombom. WHO are you?

Bombomian Beauty: I'm Zaphina Leggs. You should put away your pagers, captain. As you can see, I'm quite harmless.

Capt. Curt: Yes, and very... ALLURING!

Dr. Decoy: I wouldn't advise that, Dim. Bombomians are notorious for their pretty lures.

Capt. Curt: Tell me Zaphina, WHERE'S the reception committee that was supposed to MEET us at these coordinates?

Zaphina: I'm the one who called, and I'm the reception committee because I'm the only one left on the planet. Everyone else is dead.

Dr. Decoy: Dim, I've picked up something very unusual on my transistor. She's not alive anymore!!

Mr. Sock: Which helps me finalize the theory I have formulated, captain. She is putting so much effort emulating the American accent that her vital bodily systems are no longer functional.

Capt. Curt: EXPLANATION, Cones!

Dr. Decoy: Sock is right, Dim. She's as dead as a Walkman’s sense of humour. We need to take her up to the Underpriced for medical examination.

Zaphina (struggles to break free): But why... I'm still alive, or rather, alive and kicking... am I not, captain...

Capt. Curt: We'll know the ANSWERS aboard the Underpriced. Curt to Underpriced, COME in Underpriced.

Mr. Snot: Snot here, cap'n.

Capt. Curt: Four to BEAM up, Snottie. And have E-bay READY.

Mr. Snot: But sir, I don't have enough flour, cap'n!

Capt. Curt: I don't CARE, Snottie! Just... BEAM us up!

Mr. Snot: Aye aye, captain. Get ready to be agonized.

Captain's Blog, stardate 8088.286. Zaphina Legg's vital stats — correction, signs — have been restored... And since there is no one left back on her planet, I have decided to let her — ahem — stay on the Underpriced for a while.

Capt. Curt: Mr. Luloo, take us out of the Bombomian orbit and PROCEED to our next destination — Barf Factor 8. By the way, Mr. Sock, WHAT is our next destination?

Mr. Sock: Planet Thong on the outskirts of Kinque-87 Quadrant, captain, where Clingons have penetrated deep. Interestingly, the planet is entirely inhabited by humanoid females.

Capt. Curt: Lieutenant Boohoo Raa, INFORM Star Delete Command of our possible battle with the Clingons and our success of saving ONE life-form on planet Bombom. Mr. Sock, YOU have the conn. Zaphina and I have important business to take care of.